In My Head
by mikuloveitachi
Summary: Akatsuki Crack-fic. Everyone has some sort of problem, habit, disease. Told from different POVs. Contains YAOI main pairing Sasodei. May change to M later
1. It's A Riot

**I'm in a very crack-fic Akatsuki mood today. Heh... And it's gonna be yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi!**

**Every member is going to have a certain quality about them that was not mentioned or put in the actual anime. Like Itachi being psychotic. Like, reeeeeally reeeeeally insane. And other things, of course. **

**Oh and for some reason, one of my friends told me once I'm a famous Yaoi artist, I'll have to send him a signed copy... So apparently I'm good at drawing yaoi... XD Wheeee~**

**Please R&R! **

**Main pairing: Sasodei. Mai faaavorite *squeals***

Part I

DEIDARA POV

_I hate Akatsuki. _

_I hate Itachi._

_I hate having a partner._

_I hate him._

_I hate how he's so impatient all the time._

_I hate how he nags about time. _

_I hate how he smirks when he knows he's right._

_I hate it when he's right._

_I hate having to travel with him._

_I hate it when he thinks it's funny to undress right in front of me._

_I hate how I love it..._

"Deidara!" the voice screamed, kicking open my door.

I sat up quickly, grabbing a kunai.

Bad habbit.

The tall, silver haired, Jashin-worshipping man stood in my doorway, his scythe in his left hand.

"What?" I asked, loosening my grip on the kunai. No one attacked each other in Akatsuki when Pein was here. Though, with Hidan, you could never be sure.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GOD-DAMN BIBLE?" he screamed, raising his scythe.

I glared at him, studying how stressed his face looked.

"Like I know," I grumbled, shaking my head.

"THEN YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME LOOK!"

I reached over and grabbed the hair tie on my bed-side table, quickly pulling some hair into a pony tail.

Hidan's face was turning red from anger.

I scoffed and suggested, "Maybe you should ask Itachi. He'd be of more help, un."

I said this but I knew he wasn't changing his mind, especially after I'd already gotten out of the bed.

I really had given in too quickly.

He stomped over to me and grabbed my arm after I put a shirt on. I mumbled random curse words to myself as he pulled me out of my room and down the hallway, to Itachi's room.

He kicked open the door and pulled me in with him.

What was his deal with _kicking _things?

"ITACHI!" He screamed, and Itachi reacted about the same way I did. It _was _about one in the morning, so most of us had been sleeping. Key word being "had".

"What?!" He cried, the haziness of sleep not yet out of his eyes.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BIBLE?!" he screamed, stomping over to Itachi's bed.

Itachi looked at Hidan cluelessly and then started screaming at the top of his lungs.

Okay, maybe it was a bad idea to wake up Itachi.

Hidan backed away a bit as Itachi rolled around in the bed like he was having a seizure. You couldn't even understand what he was saying; he was just making sounds.

I turned around as I heard someone cough, and found Konan standing there is nothing but dark blue boxers and a very pink bra.

She raised a cigarette to her mouth and took a deep drag, her eyes half closed.

"What's happening?" she asked, the smoke going straight into my face.

Hidan caught sight of her and started yelling about his bible; Itachi was still rolling around on the bed, his screams hurting my ears; Konan wasn't even paying attention and continued to smoke her cigarette, and the sound of doors opening was there somewhere in the background.

The noise had caused Tobi, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Zetsu to come out of their rooms. None of them wearing more than just boxers (except Tobi, who had the weird habit of never taking off his mask).

I was careful not to look at Sasori.

"Will someone find Hidan's bible, since he is incapable of doing it without waking the whole headquarters?" Sasori asked dryly.

I kept my eyes on the floor, feeling my face heat up.

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried, "Tobi knows where Hidan left it!"

Everyone looked at him expectantyl, waiting for him to go on. He just stood there, looking at us.

Hidan had calmed down a little when Tobi said this, but now was about to freak out again. Itachi, of course, hadn't ceased the psychotic screaming.

"TOBI!" he screamed, pulling Tobi towards him and screaming into his mask.

"Yes, Hidan-sempai?" he asked cheerfully.

"WHERE IS IT?" Hidan (along with the rest of us, who had simply gotten sick of his idioticness) screamed.

"Where is what?" he asked dumbly.

"THE BIBLE!"

"You mean Jashin-sama's bible?" he asked, "Hidan left it in the bathroom."

Hidan threw Tobi into the wall and marched through us, pushing us all to the side.

When he passes Sasori, he pushed him into me. I flinched and tried to move out of the way, but I was too slow.

I had to grab onto his shoulders so he wouldn't hit me, causing us both to fall over.

Sasori looked at me and I let go of him quickly, turning to away.

"Everyone. Get out," a new voice threatened. Kisame was standing there, ordering us to get out of Itachi's room. He was the only one who could calm down Itachi went he was like this.

Everyone moved and Sasori grabbed my arm to pull me out of the way. If he hadn't, the door would've surely hit me in the face, causing even more troubles.

I tried my hardest not to look at him, but failed when I realized he still hadn't let go of my arm.

Everyone else had gone somewhere else by now. Back to their room, to the kitchen, outside to smoke...

"W-what?" I asked, tugging slightly to try and loosen his grip on my arm.

He reached up and I flinched as he ran his fingers under my bottom lip.

"Drool," he said, his voice not enthusiastic in the least.

I felt the blood rush to my face and looked down. He still didn't let go of my arm.

"U-Um," I said, "I need to pee, un."

He looked amused and let go of my arm. It may have seemed like it, but it wasn't an excuse. I really did have to go.

I rushed to the bathroom and locked the door.

I was sweaty and my face was a lot pinker than I'd imagined. My hair was greasy and messy. My eyes were slightly bloodshot and my skin was dried out.

All in all, I looked like shit.

After emptying my bladder, I decided to shower. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore anyways.

I stepped into the shower, took out my pony tail and turned on the cold water. I didn't bother using hot water, because I knew it'd just cause problems later. Plus, the cold relaxes me more.

I squirted some Aloe body wash into my left palm and started scrubbing myself. I _hate _the feeling of being dirty! I sighed as the hunger pains came again, throbbing throughout my middle. I leaned over a bit, trying to ease the pain. I looked down and saw the protruding ribs, massaging them with my hands. I was careful to avoid the mouth on my upper chest, which had a habit of chewing on anything near it. I had more control over the mouths on my hands.

The hunger rumbled through my stomach and I winced. I sat down to avoid falling over, which had happened once or twice before. I let the freezing water fall over my head and soak my hair.

I could hear the muffled sounds of people in the hall. Now that Hidan had woken everyone up, most of us wouldn't go back to sleep. I know I wouldn't be able to if I tried. I was lucky when I did fall asleep; the hunger usually kept me awake.

After shampooing and conditioning my hair, I shut the shower off. I tried my hardest not to look in the mirror before I could grab a towel. I succeeded this time, and had the towel wrapped around myself before I saw myself.

I sighed in relief and grabbed my boxers. I was _almost _to my room when Kisame came out of Itachi's room.

Itachi had stopped screaming a while ago. For some reason, Kisame was the only person who could calm Itachi down.

He looked at me and smirked. His blue skin crinkled with the smirk and he shook his head.

"Getting a bit skinny, are we?" he mocked, brushing past me.

I felt the knot in my stomach at these words and tried not to react. That was what they wanted.

"Maybe it's from eating all that healthy fish, un," I replied quickly and rushed back to my room.

I knew that what I said would piss off Kisame to no end.

He deserved it.

Once inside, I leaned against the cool door, sliding to the ground. I tried to slow my breathing, which had gotten unusually heavy after Kisame's comment. My heart was racing.

_What does it matter? _

I repeated this over in my head as I crawled over to my bed. I grabbed the hair brush and slowly brushed through my blonde mess.

Slipping on my boxers and a black t-shirt, I decided to leave my room for once. The T.V. was in the living room and Pein didn't really offer us much other entertainment than that. My room had thousands of pens and notebooks and sketch books, but I sometimes got bored.

I heard the TV as soon as I left my room, and walked in the direction of that room.

I turned the corner and saw Hidan, Kisame and Tobi sitting watching some weird reality show. They looked blurry. I leaned against the wall for a second and realized my breathing was uneven. I looked back up and saw Kisame had turned to look at me, but I couldn't tell what his face looked like. It was all too blurry.

I felt a thump and opened my eyes again.

_Am I on the floor?_

I looked around but couldn't make out the details of the room. Everything was spinning and my eyes hurt.

_"Deidara, wake up."_

_"Deidara, you idiot."_

_"What happened?"_

**Weeeell there it is! First chapter! Please review~ I will give out hugs, kisses, and love?**

**I might even throw in some cookies~**

**Please tell me what you think! I look forward to making the next chapter. **

**Sasori's veiw of point is next!!!**

**~~yaaaaoi~~**


	2. It hurts

**Alright, so this is the SECOOOND chapter to mai story, In My Head. This chapter shall be told from Sasori's POV. I love changing it up a bit!**

**Pretty please R&R!!**

**Okay, so I am a little worried. One of my good friends is in the hospital =( she cracked her skull. I got to see her yesterday...! She looked so bad **

**=( I'm so worried. So then wish her good luck with her recovery! And **

**And review! xD**

**Oh, yes, *AN= Sasori is mostly human is mai story. Like his stomach and chest are puppet but his arms, legs, head are all real. =D That means mooore yaoi! ha**

**HUGS TO: Naya, Ninjashallow, Sasuke the Firebender, Xeralynn, Hokagegodessarya and blackwidow~ for reviewing**

**KISSES TO: Ninjashallow and Xeralynn AND hokagegodessarya~ for putting me on your alerts**

**FREE COOKIES TO: Xeralynn, lodi1001 and hokagegodessarya~ for favoriting =)**

**I. Love. You. All!**

Sasori POV

I was in the kitchen making toast for Itachi. How I got stuck making _him _toast, even I'm not sure.

Other than the noise of Itachi constantly MEOWING at me and the muffled TV from the other room, the headquarters were finally quiet. Hidan had found his bible and Kisame had calmed Itachi down. He was the only one who could do that, after all.

As I reached for the butter Itachi grabbed onto my arm, meowing in my ear.

"Wha-_at_?" I cried, shaking him off.

He didn't reply and went to circle the kitchen.

I shook my head and finished buttering the toast. Itachi was really starting to get on my nerves when I heard a loud "thump" from the other room. I curiously made my way to the sitting room and nearly gasped in shock.

There was Deidara, passed out on the floor. Kisame, Hidan and Tobi were all surrounding him, their faces more surprised and curious than worried.

I rushed over and nearly yelled, "Deidara! Wake up!"

Hidan smirked and said, "Deidara, you idiot."

I stopped paying much attention after that and picked him up. I did hear someone say something along the lines of "what happened", but ignored it.

Once I got to my room, I slammed the door shut with my foot. Reaching my bed, I laid Deidara near the wall. He was breathing rapidly and his face was pale. His eyes were shifting back and forth under his eyelids and he was sweating like mad.

It pained me to look at him, but I just took his hand in mine, squeezing it.

I knew if he woke up to find me holding his hand, he'd freak out on me. He was a bit immature, but I found it utterly cute.

I'd never admit it out loud, of course.

Deidara's grasp on my hand tightened and I could tell he was in pain. I didn't know why he had passed out, all I knew was it was something serious.

It wasn't long before the sun would come up. It was already about four in the morning and everyone was awake. I was tired, but I wasn't deadly exhausted. Even so I decided to lay next to Deidara and take a nap with him.

I never once let go of his hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o.o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the fuck..." I heard him mutter. I opened my right eye halfway to see if he was awake.

His face looked disturbed, his mouth was hanging open a bit. His hair still looked pretty, even after sleeping these last... few hours. His hand had mine gripped tight. He was, from what I could tell, asleep.

Opening both of my eyes, I realized the sun was up. Little rays of sunshine were leaking through my curtain. It wasn't a very bright ray of sunshine, almost a dull one. Looking to the window, I realized it must be storming.

Listening closely I could hear little droplets of rain against the side of the house and the roof.

I smiled slightly, knowing Deidara loved the rain.

Turning back to Deidara, I realized his breathing rate had changed. When I faced him again, his eyes were open and face was red.

_Blushing?_

I didn't say anything, just looked at him worriedly. I still didn't know why he'd passed out, but I was determined to find out.

But that could wait, for now.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my voice but a whisper.

His eyes widened and he nodded slowly.

I tried not to look too upset, but figured it probably wasn't working. I could feel the sickening feeling.

I heard his stomach growl and smirked.

He started to sit up and I stopped him.

"I'll get you something to eat," I said, getting off the bed, "You just rest."

He looked at me weirdly and then nodded.

I hurried to the kitchen and thought of what to get him. What did he like, anyways?

I grabbed sushi from the fridge and some left overs from the night before. I also grabbed a two liter of pepsi and walked back to the room. The only person I passed on the way there was Hidan, who paid me no attention.

I entered my room and laid the food on the little table next to my bed. Deidara grimaced and tried to smile.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again. He looked pale again.

He waited a moment before answering and said, "I'm fine, un."

He sat up and grabbed the sushi from the table. His hands were shaking and he looked almost sick as he popped the first bite into his mouth.

I grabbed him arm and studied it intently.

"You know, you've got a girl body," I commented.

He looked at me oddly, chewing the raw fish.

"W-what do you mean?" he tried sounding angry, "I'm a man, un!"

"I just mean, your arms are so skinny. I've only ever seen girls with such a delicate body."

"It's not delicate!" he defensively said, his face just getting paler.

I shook my head and sat down on the edge of the bed. He quickly shoved the sushi back into my hands.

"I can't eat a lot when I first wake up, un," he said, getting off the bed.

He wouldn't look at me.

I didn't say anything and just watched him leave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"SASORI!" Hidan cried, kicking open my door and running in. Unfortunately, Itachi was following, also screaming, "SASORI!"

"What?" I snapped, not looking up from my puppet.

"SASORI!" Itachi cried.

Hidan walked over to me and frowned, "Leader wants you."

I sighed and dropped the puppet on the floor.

"SASORI!" Itachi screamed again.

I ignored him.

"Alright," I mumbled and followed Hidan out of the room. Itachi followed us, screaming my name again(1).

We got to Pein's room and Hidan knocked on the door.

"Come in," Pein's voice said through the door.

We entered to find Pein sitting on a chair with Konan standing profesionally next to him.

"Sasori, Hidan, Itachi," Pein nodded to all of us, "You three will be going on a mission to the land of snow."

I lifted my head sharply and nearly glared at him.

"Why am I not being paired with Deidara?" I asked sharply.

"Because, as you may have noticed, Deidara is somewhat _sick_," Pein snapped, and pointed to the door, "No arguments, just be ready to leave by tomorrow!"

I stormed out of the room, leaving Hidan and Itachi behind. It was wrong to pair me with anyone else. It was ridiculous. How was Deidara going to get better if I was on a _mission_? And without him?!

As I walked angrily down the hall, I noticed Deidara's door was slightly open.

I peeked in and saw he wasn't on his bed, and heard sounds from the bathroom down the hall. As I walked down the hall, the noise in the bathroom got louder. Fortunately for me, the door was cracked open a little bit. (Yes, I'm very nosey.)

I saw Deidara hunched over the toilet and heard the disgusting sound coming from him.

Oh, man.

I turned away, feeling sick. I hated seeing Deidara sick. It hurt.

I stood there, not sure whether to announce my presence. But then Deidara walked out of the bathroom, passed me and avoided looking at me. I reched out and grabbed his hand, and he stopped.

"Yeah...?" he asked harshly.

Ouch.

"I..." I didn't know what to say.

"Look, I'm still not feeling good, un. I'm gonna go lay down."

I let his hand slip away from mine and felt my heart twist as he walked away.

_I don't want to love him anymore..._

**1. No dirty thoughts were included in the making of this sentence. Plus, I'm just not into Sasoita. or Itasaso... or whatever. SASODEI ALL THE WAY. I even support Itadei, but not Itasaso/Sasoita. I've never even THOUGHT about it xD**

**UUUUGH I'm so sorry guys my chapters usually don't take this long! I just had a LOT of shit, what with this being the first week of school, friend in hospital, hitting my head, getting kissed. Weeeell, that last one was actually today... and it was just on the forehead. But still! It was sweeet xD.**

**And I'm sorry this chapter was short and probably SUCKED. Sasori POVs apparently aren't going to be as humorous, but more romantic. And maybe painful =) So... just deal with it. And sorry if it sucked. I was uninspired, headachey and depressed. But I'm mostly better now! Except for the headache. Bleh. **

**I WILL update soon, but only if you push the green button and review =)**


	3. You Will, Someday

**Alright! You can blame this awesome chapter on the music I listen to... Hey, so the first chapter was MSI songs and it was funny, the last chapter was lullabies and it was sad... I need to listen to MSI again then!**

**Okay, I turned on MSI. This better be a funny chapter! If it's not, that means my experiment fails... and I was doing so good in Biology =O**

**Aaaaaanyways, this will be from Deidara's veiw. FUNNY... **

**My friend is so much better! I saw her again and she's doing amazingly good! I knew my God-powers would work in healing her; I'm just that awesome.**

**Ask my friend Deanna, she knows!**

**=) **

**Yeah, listen to MSI. That's Mindless Self Indulgence. THEY'RE AMAZING!!!! Like mashed potatos and gravy!**

**OH AND I DON'T OWN NARUTO. But I like the thought of one day owning Sasori... =) **

**So I only updated the last chapter like an hour or two ago, so the only one who's commented so far was Xeralynn. =D For that, Xeralynn, you get hugs and kisses and a Deidara plushie! **

**Now, I'll give everyone time to review this chapter. Plus, my friend wants to hog the computer for a bit. =)**

**LOVE YOU ALL, ESPECIALLY XERALYNN 3**

Deidara POV:

_Shut up._

_Please, just stop talking to me._

_I see your mouth moving, but all I don't hear you. _

_I can't hear what you say, to me it sounds like "You freak"._

The taste of vomit was still lingering in my mouth. I'd brushed my teeth three times, but the taste didn't leave. Even after eleven breath mints, it still was revolting.

I set the pencil down and looked at the picture I'd drawn. I usually didn't think about what I was drawing and didn't know what it was until I was done. A lot of them turned out to be Sasori. Sometimes, Itachi's death.... But usually Sasori.

I studied the picture; the pencil lines weaving and twisting to make Sasori's half naked form. I grabbed the water from my bedside table and sipped it, trying to get rid of the taste of vomit.

It didn't work.

I was leaning against the wall, sitting on the bed with my sketch book in my lap. The cool wall felt good against my bare back; the soft sheets underneath me kept me comfortable. For once, I didn't have my hair in its usual pony tail. I'd taken it out after vomiting. I liked having it cover my face; then I wouldn't have to see the disgust in other's eyes... especially Sasori's.

I closed the sketch book and slid off the bed. I pulled on skinny jeans and a big tee-shirt, leaving my hair down. It was almost noon now, and I had to _pee_.

I left my room, not closing the door all the way. Maybe this way, if Hidan was looking to kick someone's door open(1), he'd see I wasn't in there and move on.

Yeah, right.

I reached the bathroom and shut the door quietly. My bladder was so full I didn't have time to stop and gawk at my hideousness in the mirror. I thanked whatever god there was for this.

I stood there for a few minutes, emptying myself. I was just getting done with I heard the semi-quiet _click_. Oh, shit.

It felt like slow motion. I turned my head to look at the door, my hair flying over my shoulder. The door swung open and there stood _Kisame_. God. Damn. Kisame.

He stood there and stared at me, not really looking _down there_. For that, I was less embarrased. But I was embarrased none-the-less. I felt my face heat up as I glared at him. He just blinked and closed the door.

I pulled up my pants and huffed angrily as I washed my hands. I tried not to look in the mirror, but this time it didn't work.

My cheeks were pink with embarrasment. My eyes looked dull and my hair was frizzy. My skin was once again oily and disgusting. I could see the pores where pimples were forming and the scars where pimples had been.

_I wish _I _was a puppet. Then I could be perfect._

I turned away from the mirror before I started crying. It was such a pitiful sight, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I left the bathroom in a hurry, wanting to just get the image out of my mind.

I saw the front door of headquarters open and decided to go outside. It was getting stuffy inside and it was nice and crisp outside.

Konan was standing on the deck, leaning over the railing. I was behind her, but I could tell she was smoking from the smoke rising above her head.

Sighing, I walked over to her. She looked at me blankly, like she always looked. She never seemed to show emotion, just like Sasori.

She glanced at me and reached into her pocket. She handed me her cigarette box and a blue lighter. I'd only smoked a few times before and never thought about actually doing it as a habit.

I've heard rumors that it made you less hungry though. That pretty much made up my mind.

I grabbed the cigarette box and took a cigarette out, lighting it and breathing in. It wasn't a great taste, but it tasted a _hell _of a lot better than vomit. The tight feeling it caused as it traveled down my throat and into my lung distracted me from the pain in my stomach. It felt _good_.

I silently thanked her and handed tried handing the box back to her.

"Keep it," she said, "You need it more than I do."

I sighed at the truth in her words and stuck them in my pocket. Pein hated it when people smoked inside, but Konan had a habit of doing it anyways.

I had a feeling I might start that too, since I rarely left my room.

Konan was silent for a few more minutes before breaking the silence with her monotone voice.

"Feeling any better?" she asked carefully.

"Hn," I replied, "I was just tired."

She nodded and accepted the lie.

She waited a few minutes before trying again.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Wanna listen?" I smart-assedly replied.

She nodded and turned her vibrant eyes to look into mine.

"I do," she said and I blushed. Konan hated us akatsuki members; always had. It was a simple fact that no one bothered her or started a conversation with her. The fact that I'd even came to stand next to her was damn brave of me.

I shook my head, embarrassed.

"I... I don't."

She smiled and said whole-heartedly, "You will. When you do, I'll be here."

With that, she threw her cigarette on the grass and walked inside.

I took another drag and shook my head.

_I won't._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~YAOI~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"DEIDARA!" Hidan yelled as he ran through my door.

Was he stupid or something? I was standing right behind him when he'd decided to burst my door open; I wasn't even IN the room.

I didn't say anything, just tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at me dumbly and then frowned.

"DEIDARA!" Itachi screamed from behind me. I glared at Hidan for starting this again.

"What do you _want_, Hidan?" I asked coldly.

"I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!" he screamed, his spit flying and hitting me in the face.

"So _what_?" I cried, "I'm NOT your baby sitter!"

He started shaking and Itachi started laughing hysterically from behind me.

"Hidan.... Seriously, just go cook your own food, un," I said evenly.

"I CAN'T!" he cried, throwing his hands up, "I CAN'T COOK!"

"Since _when_?" I asked, getting sick of this.

"I just CAN'T, okay?"

I glared at him again.

He flipped emotions suddenly. He got on his knees, took my hand and did the puppy eyes.

"Pleeeeeeease, Dei-dei-uke," he said sweetly.

I yanked my hand from him and stormed off to the kitchen. Luckily the only one who had seen that was Itachi, who was too crazy to tell anyone.

Itachi followed me, practically stepping on my feet as I walked.

"WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!" I screamed, my face burning red now.

He looked at me sternly, "I just want to make sure you've fed the Xoxo(2)."

My mouth dropped open a bit and I shook my head, disbelievingly.

"A-" I tried to say something, but didn't really know what to say, "Alright, whatever."

Itachi smiled contently and left to go bug someone else.

_Finally_.

I didn't know what Hidan wanted me to cook, so I just cracked some eggs and threw them in a pan. I added some salt, pepper, milk and cheese after a while. It smelled disgusting and made my stomach practically give out just looking at it. After it was done cooking, I set it on a plate and added salsa to it.

Hidan walked in and sat down, mumbling a thanks.

Ungrateful cock.

I felt my stomach turn upside down and ran to the bathroom. I leaned over the toilet just before the vomit came up my throat.

This time it wasn't even close to vomit, though. It was bile, water, and blood.

I was shaking, the contractions in my stomach unstablizing the rest of my body functions. My head was spinning again and my it sounded like I was falling. But I wasn't, I was gripping the toilet tighter than should be possible. My knuckles were turning _blue_.

After a few minutes, I stood up and stood over the sink. I was still shaking, but the rest of me was somewhat back to normal.

I grabbed the toothbrush and scrubbed my teeth, trying to get rid of the acidy-blood taste.

It didn't work, of course, so I stalked off to my room.

I fell onto the bed and stared longingly at the ceiling.

_Disgusting. I'm so disgusting. No wonder Sasori dislikes me so much... along with everyone else._

My hand subconsciously reached into my pocket and pulled out a cigarette and the lighter. It helped get rid of the vomit taste, at least. And it took my attention away from the pain in my stomach.

I sucked in the poison and held it in as long as I could. My lungs were on fire and I thought I was going to explode. I slowly let the smoke out, feeling the relief quickly settle.

The exhaustion came quick, but wouldn't take me all the way under. It hardly ever did.

I put out the cigarette once it was mostly finished and dropped the butt on the floor. I stared at the ceiling more and felt the hopelessness fill my body.

I would never change.

"Hey, Deidara," Kisame said, knocking on my door.

"Huh?" I asked, hardly audible.

"Can I come in?" Kisame asked.

I nodded, not realizing he couldn't see me. He came in anyways.

"Yeah?" I asked, not looking away from the ceiling.

"I brought you some dinner," he said, obviously annoyed.

"...Thanks, un," I said and sat up.

He shook his head and set the food on the table next to me bed.

I looked at him curiously and he stared blankly at me.

"Feeling better?" he asked, obviously not interested.

"Yes," I answered quickly, and laid back down.

"Is that why the toilet is filled with blood and vomit?"

I grimaced and avoiding his stare.

_I forgot to flush?_

I bit my lip and muttered, "Sorry, forgot to flush, un."

"Forget to eat, too?" he asked harshly.

Now I definitely didn't look at him, but felt my face flare up.

My lip was starting to ooze blood, I was biting it so hard.

Kisame sighed and shook his head again.

"You don't need to be like that, you know," he commented, and I clenched my hands into fists.

I wasn't going to say anything; I wasn't going to admit _anything_.

He left and I felt the hot tears fall down the side of my face.

_I don't want to, Kisame._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~we're all ugly on the inside; seriously~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was probably midnight when I left my room again. I didn't want to leave before I thought everyone was asleep because I knew how they'd look at me... I know how they think.

I took my food that was untouched to the kitchen and pushed it down the garbage disposal. I sighed and sat in one of the chairs.

"Can't sleep?"

I turned and saw Konan standing in the doorway, in (obviously Pein's) blue plaid boxers and pink bra again. I shook my head and laid it down on the table.

She came and sat next to me, pulling out a cigarette. She lit it and breathed in, waiting for me to say something.

"What about you?" I asked.

"I don't sleep," she said, letting the smoke out, "I've probably slept two hours in the last five days."

I looked up at her and nodded.

"Pein asked me to go with Sasori, Hidan and Itachi tomorrow," she said monotonously, "Like I'm supposed to be their babysitter. They all need it, yeah, but I hate kids."

I laughed and smirked at her.

"Sasori doesn't really," I pointed out.

"No, he just needs a therapist," she remarked.

"Don't we all..." I said softly.

She smirked this time and said, "Most of us, I think so. Kisame is probably the only one who doesn't."

"Yeah, he just needs to be fed some good seafood."

She laughed and I rubbed my eyes.

"Let's see... Itachi's a psychopath, Sasori's pretty fucking emo, Hidan has anger management, Tobi is severely ADD, Kakuzu is obsessed with money, Zetsu has a personality disorder, Pein's a control freak, I'm... yeah, and you have insomnia," I commented.

"And we're all S-ranked criminals," she added.

"That doesn't count," I said, "Everyone's a criminal nowadays. That's _so_ unoriginal."

She nodded, and finished her cigarette.

"Go talk to Sasori," she said softly, "He was waiting outside your door earlier."

I grimaced, and nodded.

_Why would he want to talk to _me_?_

**1. Seriously, Hidan has anger problems, or something. I haven't really come up with what he has, so I'm just going to go with anger problems. Makes sense, yeah? Plus, it's FUN to kick things.... it's now his new obsession. **_**"Jashin ordered me to kick your door open!" **_**Yeah, that's right. I worship Jashin.**

**2. Okay, so Xoxo is an african frog that is pronounced by clicking your tongue twice. I've always wondered, then would the tad pole only be "xo" and only click your tongue once? I want one!**

**AAAAALRIGHT! End chapter 3! **

**Please tell me whatcha think, I hope it was good. A little more depressing than I'd expected, but I put as much humor in it as I could!**

**S**


	4. I Don't Want To Leave

**ALRIGHT!**

**Whooo! Chapter Four. I'm excited, aren't you?**

**Thank you readers and thank you ESPECIALLY who review/favorite/alert =) it makes the author haaaappy! So far I give out hugs and kisses to: Xeralynn, Kimmy-chan-14, and Stephinie Crow Manson~**

**I luvers you!!**

**I do believe that Sasori will be leaving for his mission in this chapter. I tried to prolongue the last chapter as much as I could, so that he would leave in this chapter.**

**AN* i don't own Naruto... but... wait, no, I don't own anything. Gawd, realization SUCKS! Dx**

**  
Ah yes, I'm sick. I think it's the flu. Yay.... flu... This is the only time in my whole life i've EVER gotten a flu shot, and then I get the flu a month later Dx. Ah, well. My head still hurts from hitting it too... And swively chairs DON'T HELP when you feel nauseous. Bleh....**

**Review, or I might never get better and then I won't be able to write anymore fanfiction DX.**

**=3 love you**

Sasori POV

_I know it's not right, but I wish I was sick too._

_I want to stay here with Deidara._

_I want to take care of him, even if it means sacraficing something for myself. _

_Like, my health._

_I want to be here for him.  
I want to support him, to let him _know _he's not alone._

_How can I do that, when I don't even know what's wrong with him...?_

I was sitting on the floor, tweaking one of the traps in one of my puppets when there was a knock on the door. I looked up at the door and saw Kisame standing there.

I looked at him, expectantly.

"What do you need, Kisame?" I asked, trying to sound normal. If Kisame was coming to talk to me, something was wrong.

"I came to you because I know you care about him more than anyone else does," Kisame said, his voice low, "But have you even realized what's wrong with him?"

I practically glared at Kisame.

"Well, yeah," I replied, "He's _sick_, Kisame."

Kisame nodded.

"He's _really _sick, Sasori."

I clenched my teeth and looked away from him.

I already knew this... I didn't need Kisame telling me that Deidara's sick. That was obvious.

"Do you have any idea _how _sick he is?" Kisame asked, leaning against my wall.

I sighed and shook my head.

"He won't tell me," I said roughly.

Kisame shook his head in disgust and left, nearly slamming the door.

The puppet started to crack from my squeezing it so hard, so I threw it on the ground and got up to pace the room.

Again, there was a knock on the door.

"_What_?" I spat, flinging the door open.

There stood a very frightened looking Deidara.

I held my breathe(1) and waited for him to slink away like he always did. He just stood there, for once, and looked at me with big blue eyes.

"S-sorry," I whispered, "I thought it was Kisame."

He nodded and looked to the floor.

"... Did you need something, Dei?" I asked gently.

He glared at me for a minute before saying, "Konan said you wanted to talk to me."

_Konan talks to him...? No, he talks to Konan? Since when? _

"Sasori..." Deidara said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Oh," I choked, "Eh... I just wanted to see if you were okay."

Deidara looked away and muttered something along the lines of "I'm fine".

He was uncomfortable, I could tell. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he didn't want to stay.

"I should go to bed," I mumbled, "Got a mission tomorrow."

Deidara didn't even acknowledge what I said as he turned away to go back to his room.

After closing the door, I slid down the wall to the floor. His eyes had shown me one thing: fear.

I want nothing more than to protect him, but how am I supposed to do that if he fears me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i want my innocence back ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up to a door ramming into my head. I yelped and sat up, my eyes flashing open.

Hidan stood in the doorway, looking extra grumpy.

I held my hand up to my head and grimaced as I felt a trickle of blood slide down through my hair and behind my ear.

"It's time to go, Pervy Puppet," Hidan grumbled and slammed the door, "Oh, and Konan is accompanying us."

I rolled my eyes at the nickname and walked over to the closet.

I slid on flexible ninja pants and a tight black shirt. After wrapping the big black cloak with red clouds around me, I slid my shoes onto my feet and hurried out the doorway.

If I was late, I was going to be pissed.

I arrived in front of Pein's door, like we all did before missions. The only one who was standing there was Konan. Itachi and Hidan weren't there.

"Where is everyone?" I asked Konan, who was taking a drag from a cigarette.

She shrugged and puffed the smoke out into my face.

I looked away from Konan, who was (for once) dressed in more than just her bra and Pein's boxers. I still had a feeling that under the cloak, that was all she wearing.

It was another twenty five minutes before Itachi walked around the corner, looking frighteningly normal. He didn't say anything as he sat down at my feet and waited for Hidan.

Hidan didn't join us for another thirty five minutes. By that time, I was practically exploding with anger.

Konan tapped me on the shoulder before Hidan reached us.

I turned, my face full of obvious hate, and looked into her worried eyes.

"Shouldn't you say goodbye?" she asked, her voice not sounding nearly as expectant as her eyes looked.

I sighed with realization and nodded, slipping away from the group.

_It's only going to take a few moments, _I convinced myself, _You have time to say goodbye._

I reached Deidara's room and didn't bother knocking. I just quietly opened the door. Sure enough, he was sprawled out on his bed.

He didn't even look peaceful. He looked disturbed, as though his dreams were taunting him.

Reaching his bedside, I grabbed his hand softly. I silently hoped he wouldn't wake up from the touch; he needed his sleep.

His hand squeezed mine, as if asking for help. I felt the tears come to my eyes and closed them as I laid my head down on his arm. I sobbed once, not loud enough for anyone but me to hear.

_I want to help you, Dei. I want to make you better. Let me help you..._

I looked at him again and saw a tear roll down his face. His eyes were still closed and he was obviously asleep. I lifted his hand up to my lips and kissed it softly.

_I don't want to leave._

As I stood up, the grip on my hand tightened. He wasn't letting go.

I smiled weakly and tugged my hand, trying to get him to release his grip. He wasn't.

The pain throbbed throughout my entire body; I couldn't leave him like this.

I shook my head and yanked my hand away. He was asleep; he didn't know any better. If he woke up and found me in his room, holding his hand, he'd just be more upset with me.

I walked away, the pain of knowing this tearing me apart.

**I'M SORRY FOR THE SHORT CHAPTER!**

**But I have a good idea for Deidara's POV, so you'll just have to deal with it =)**

**1. I just put it in there cuz it seemed natural. But if sasori's middle part is a puppet, wouldn't he NOT have lungs?.... Well... He has lungs in this story xD**

**And for all of you that review, I have a question. I really, truly love writing tragedies. It's like, my passion. But I know a lot of people will hate me if I end this in a tradegy (believe me, this story won't be ending for a while! I haven't even gotten to the hook-up parts yet!! xD) So don't think that I mean any chapter soon, but it WILL end someday... Yes, sad, I know. So when you review, would you please tell me your thoughts? Like, would you NEVER read any of my stories again if I ended this in a tradegy? Would you hate mail me? Would you find out who I am and come to my house and murder me brutally? o.o**

**Would you be okay with it?**

**=3 Thank you if you review or alert or favorite, but PRETTY PLEASE tell me this when you DO review. I'll love you forever. **

**I also have a request. Listen to the song I Want My Innocence Back by Emilie Autumn. Not your everyday music, and even if you hate it, I want you to listen to it. I love it. When you review, tell me watcha think about it! It's not my favorite song, by far. No, right now my favorite song is Dark Waltz by Hayley Westenra. You should listen to that one too =D **

**For those of you who listen to those songs I will give hugs and kisses. For those of you who review I will give out plushies.**

**AND I HAVE A SPECIAL GIFT FOR XERALYNN, because she's such a dedicated fan and keeps reviewing~**

**Xeralynn, if you would like, send me a request for a yaoi one shot and I will do my best to write it and dedicate it to you!**

**Of course, I wouldn't turn down any other requests from anyone else, if anyone else wants to request something. But I won't be able to write it until I get done with this story and with the oneshot Xeralynn asks for (if she does ask for one). And tell me if you want it to be romantic, horror, comedy, etc. =) Oh yes, please try and keep it in the naruto realm (i haven't seen THAT many anime's, and if you ask for something that's not in naruto i might not know who you mean Dx).**

**LOVE YOU ALL!  
~Review, it makes me squeal~**


	5. Happy?

**Oh boy, another chapter! Deidara's POV, of course. **

**Alright, warning, this chapter is going to tell some of the last chapter through Deidara's eyes and then move on, okay? I believe it's going to start right when Sasori opens the door and walks into his room to say goodbye! Whoo~**

**I just realized one of the best songs for this story.. x3 Whispers In The Dark by Skillet. It's like... almost perfect! If you've never heard it, listen to it while/after reading this chapter. =3 =3**

**PLUSHIES FOR: black55widow and xeralynn and salt234**

**HUGS AND KISSES TO: rozenneko101, akatsukiangel, and salt234 for the favorites =3**

**I does loves you all~**

**And I want to apologize that this chapter took soooo long -_- I've been really busy with school and friends and bleh Dx. My apologies!!!**

Deidara POV

_I'm so sick._

_I want to live alone; I want to die alone. _

_I want to be left alone. _

_Please, you keep coming to taunt me.  
I know what you think of me._

_So just stop._

_Stop coming._

_Stop looking._

_Stop talking to me!  
It hurts._

I heard the door open; I heard the click of the handle turning. I heard the footsteps and the swishing of clothes.

I thought I was asleep already, but now I'm not so sure.

_Is this real?_

A hand grabbed mine, and I knew right away it was Sasori. The pang of pain throbbed my heart as I squeezed his hand.

_No._

It couldn't be Sasori. It was another dream; no, another nightmare.

It wasn't real.

I felt the soft lips touch my hand and nearly screamed.

_Just stop. Wake up. _

I felt tears run down my face, which made me curious. I know I'm alseep, I have to be.

I never before had cried in my sleep, though. I must be in the state between asleep in awake.

I heard a silent sob and bit my lip. This was worse than any dream I'd had before; it was too real.

I felt the hand try and pull away and grabbed on tighter.

It stopped for a minute, then tried again.

_Please don't leave me._

I heard the pained sound and felt the hand yank out of mine. I was stunned and felt my hand drop onto the bed and bounce. My eyes flashed open in time to see the door slamming shut.

I held my hand to my stomach and curled over to edge of the bed just in time.

The vomit came fast. It burned my throat and stomach and fell over the floor. I grimaced when I saw it, but was a little relieved that there was at least no blood this time.

I sobbed louldy and threw my face into the blanket under me. Hot tears fell from my eyes. I was soaking the blanket with saliva, snot and tears.

I didn't want him to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ if i were to die today...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up, I was half-on, half-off the bed. I cringed as I remember how I had thrown up all over the floor. I was ready to get up and clean it, but as I looked down I realized there was no mess.

_Does that mean... it really was a dream...?_

I was about to start freaking out when Kisame walked in.

"K-Kisame?"

"Hn," he said as he brought a rag over to me and laid it on my forehead. I grimaced at his touch, but the wet rag felt really good.

"You threw up all over the floor, Deidara," Kisame grunted.

I felt my face immediately flare up and glared at the ceiling.

_So it wasn't a dream...?_

"Did you clean it up...?" I was trying to make my voice angry, but it just sounded weak.

"Yeah," he replied, "it was starting to reeeeally stink."

I snorted a quiet laugh and nearly smiled.

"You're quiet lucky, Kisame..." I said vaguely.

He snapped his head up to glare at me.

"How so, blondie?"

I sighed, not wanting to start a fight.

"You don't worry about what the other people think of you... you could care less if they think you're a freak or a pig or anything.... You have Itachi with you at all times, even if he is quite loony. You're the only one who can calm him down or make him a little less insane."

"... I'm lucky because I have a crazy boyfriend?"

"E-" I frowned, "I just meant you're the only normal one of us all..."

Kisame just grunted in reply and looked away.

"Just because I don't have an eating disorder doesn't mean I'm normal..." he said after a while.

I grimaced and looked away from him. He always fought dirty.... Then again, so did I. But I wasn't looking to start a fight right now.

"Kisame..." I stuttered, trying to think of how to say it. "Kisame, I... don't..."

Kisame slapped me suddenly. I looked at him, my face showing the hurt and confusion.

"Deidara," he said calmly, "don't say it."

I gaped at him and felt the tears coming to my eyes.

"Kisa-"

He clenched his fists and I knew this was my one chance to get it out.

"I don't want to fight!" I cried, my face burning up.

He turned away from me.

"Please," I whispered, trying to gain his attention, "Can't we-?"

"Deidara," he said subtly, "Our friendship may not be healthy, but at least we have one, okay?"

I stopped and thought about it for a minute. Even though we always fought, he _had _always been there to clean up after me. He really was my friend, but I'd just now realized it.

And I felt terrible.

"Kisame- I'm so-"

"Save it, smartass," he said, and I heard the grin in his words, "That's what friends are for, 'un'?"

I smirked and then scowled. It was a really bad fake scowl, but it would do for now.

"Get out of my room, un," I said with fake fury.

He walked over to the door and opened it. I watched him leave and silently thanked him.

I owed him more than I could ever repay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ paybacks a bitch ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was like a natural high, knowing I actually had somewhere there for me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how many times he'd saved me or helped me without me knowing. Any time I'd ever passed out, thrown up, hurt myself accidently... he'd always helped me hide it from the others; always saved my ass.

This was the best I'd felt since I was a child.

It had only been three years since I'd joined akatsuki, but I've had this _problem_ since I was young. He was the first to notice and the first to help. Konan too was there for me, but hadn't been there as long as Kisame.

It's true, I feel terrible about not noticing his constant help. But there's nothing I can do about it now, but go along with our little game. In a way, it really did help me.

In truth, I' still scared and lonely with Sasori gone on a mission.... but because of Kisame, I have a new confidence that I might make it until he gets back.

_I hate how much I depend on that freak..._

**Okay, so sort of a short chapter and sorry it took soooo long, but I really am sorry! I love you all, I've just been buuuuusy. Long week, long weekend, long hours.... bleh.**

**I'm learning to sew tomorrow so that I can make myself blankets and curtains for when we move... We're moving, by the way! And my room is going to be COMPLETELY anime related~ probably all Naruto. **

**Well, I'll start working on the next chapter now. **

**  
Chow~**


	6. Mission in the Land of Snow

**Hey all, I got my last chapter up FINALLY. I hope to get this one up soon too. But don't kill me if I don't, un?**

**Well, thank you ALL for the support. **

**This brings me to my next subject. Out of all the reviews about the tragedy ending, I got a lot saying they wouldn't be surprised if I did or that it seems like it would fit this story. I've only had ONE that said not to... I still haven't decided yet.**

**By the way, did anyone take time to listen to those songs I mentioned?**

**  
Well, here's the next chapter. **

**Eeeeeenjoy~**

Sasori POV

_I'm so worried._

_I'm scared sick._

_I can't even concentrate on the mission, I'm so freaked out._

_And Kisame didn't help, him being the smartass he is._

_What was that all about, anyways?_

_He acted like it was my fault that Deidara's sick._

_Like he even cares, the bastard._

"Alright, listen up," Konan said, sounding extremely bored, "You guys go in there and spy on their leader. Take down as much information as you can get. We'll all meet back here in three days, got it?"

I nodded stifly. Three more days without seeing Deidara.

_This is terrible._

"Itachi, you can go with Sasori," Hidan said and I grimaced.

"You're a more suited partner for him, Hidan," I whined. Yeah, I whined. I was cranky, tired, and lonely. Even cold, heartless bastards get that way sometimes.

Apparently no one else thought so, though. They all looked at me like I was Itachi.

"Actually, he's not," Konan replied after a bit, "You're a bit more patient and stern. You don't lose your cool as easily and you're not as loud."

"WHAT'S THAT S'POSED TO MEAN?" Hidan cried, proving her point.

"Nothing," she muttered, "Now both of you stop complaining. You'd be surprised how serious Itachi can get during a mission, anyways."

I mumbled a 'yeah, right', and walked away with Itachi on my heels.

It was true, neither Hidan nor I had ever been paired with Itachi for a mission. But it was impossible for us to believe he could act sane, even for a few minutes. The only time he seemed sane was when he was sleeping, and even then...

"Sasori-danna," Itachi said loudly, "What's the mission about?"

"Weren't you listening?" I snapped.

I guess for once Konan was wrong. I was usually emotionless and calm; today was just a bad day.

He shook his head vigorously.

"How was I supposed to listen to her?" he asked, "Her voice sounds like static; it drives me NUTS!"

I stifled a laugh at how ironic that was coming from the Queen of Insanity. But I had to admit, her voice did sound like shit.

_It's the cigarettes._

"We need to spy on the village leader," I said grumpily, "Which means you have to be _quiet_."

He laughed manically and said, "You're more fun when you're angry!"

I ignored him and jumped up into a tree. He followed my footsteps perfectly.

We made it about halfway to the center of the village before we ran into trouble.

"Hey, misther," a little raven-haired boy said, tugging on my cloak, "Can you help me?"

I glared at the boy and was about to reject his quest when Itachi budded in.

"Watcha need, kiddo?" he asked happily.

"I need to see the weader, but I can't find his houthe," he said sweetly.

Itachi's eyes started spinning and it looked like one of the veins in his forehead was going to pop. I shook my head and was going to leave him when it happened.

I think what happened had to do with residing guilt. There wasn't really anything I could have done to prevent it, besides maybe stop him from talking to little boys.

"You remind me of a someone," he said, laughing hysterically. The little boy just smiled innocently as Itachi went on. "He looked so much like yoooou."

Itachi's voice was a different tone than his usual ignorance-is-bliss, unaware voice. It was dark and creepy, it sent chills down my spine.

"His hair was dark like yours and spiiiiikey. His eyes were soooo sweeeet and innoceeeeent like yoooours, little boy. He was the perfect _little broooooother. _That is, until I ruuuuuuined hiiiim!"

He laughed again and I felt he cold rush through my body like spring water. It was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced.

"It was so bloooody and rich; so reeeeed. His eyes were so scared and helpleeeeeess, like yoooours," Itachi cried, grabbing the little boy by the neck and slamming him up against a wall.

The boy tried to scream but was locked in Itachi's genjutsu. No question that Itachi was showing what he'd done to his family. The little boy's face looked like he'd just seen a murder... which meaned he probably had.

Itachi's grip got so tight on the little boy's neck that his face was turning purple. I cried out and finally moved, punching Itachi in the face. He fell backwards, but the evil, sadist look in his eyes didn't leave.

"AAAHHAHAHAHAH, Saaaaasorriiiii," Itachi whispered, grabbing my arm and pulling my towards him, "Are you suuuuure you want this?"

"Itachi," I said, trying to keep my cool, "let me go. We have a j-job to do."

"You're just like hiiiiim," he hissed, and leaned in.

I punched him in the face again and fell to the ground. He just kept laughing.

"PERFECT!" He screamed as I looked over to where the boy had been, "IT'S PEEEERFECT. IT'S JUST LIKE LAST TIME, ISN'T IT? LITTLE BROTHER, WHERE AAAAARE YOU? COME HERE, COME HERE, LET ME TAAAALK TO YOOOOU."

I grabbed Itachi's wrist, realizing the boy had run away, and pulled him in the direction we'd come from. Konan was going to be unhappy, but Pein would be PISSED.

"Hey, you in the cloak!" someone called and I ran faster, dragging a screaming Itachi behind me.

When I finally reached the spot where Konan had told us to meet back, she wasn't there. I started to freak out and started yelling at Itachi, who was still screaming like he was in the most pain ever.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" I cried, slapping him and shaking him, "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? ARE YOU REALLY THAT MUCH OF A DUMBASS, ITACHI?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE UCHIHA PRODIGY, RIGHT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, ACTING LIKE THAT? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SANE ONE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WHO SAVES OUR ASSES, RIGHT?! WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET INSANE, YOU GOD-DAMN, MOTHER FUCKING-"

I felt a hand hit me over the head and I fell to the ground. Was this a surprise attack from the villagers?

The last thing I saw before my eyes closed was Itachi's face. His eyes were full of hate, confusion, and regret.

Regret?

_Maybe he really isn't completely gone..._

FLLAAAAAASHBAAAAACK~

_"Hn," I sneered as Pein assigned me my new partner._

_He had long, blonde hair and only one of his bright blue eyes were showing._

_"Who's this diva?" I asked boredly._

_"Who're you calling a diva?" he cried, "I'm a BOY, un!"_

_I merely looked at him, amused._

_"I never said anything about gender... sweetheart."_

_"STOP IT, UN!" he cried, his face burning red._

_"Do I seriously have to be paired with this bimbo?" I asked harshly, my voice never changing tone._

_"Yes," Leader replied, rolling his eyes._

_The blondie reached his hand into his bag and shoved his hand into my face._

_"See it?" he asked, "It's the most explosive clay in the ninja realm! I can put my art into my work!"_

_"'Art'?" I asked, getting defensive._

_"Yeah, art, un," he sneered, "Art. So beautiful only because it's so fleeting."_

_"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, "Art isn't beautiful because it's fleeting! It's only beautiful because it last for eternity; it never dies."_

_"What are YOU talking about?" he yelled, his face three inches from mine, "Art isn't meant to last forever! It's meant to be there one minute, and gone the next! BANG! Like life!"_

_This blondie was _definitely _going to get on my bad side, and quick._


	7. Insert Title Here

**Woot, I got the last two chapters up within half an hour of eachother! That's a great job for me!**

**Haha...**

**Well, anyways. This is the next chapter. Hope you LOVE it. **

**About the ending, I really hope this story doesn't end for a while. Cuz, truthfully, I'm having so much fun writing this. Especially about Itachi and Deidara. So. FUN!**

**Hugs and Kissies to all of you who reviewed, favorited, or alerted~~ **

**Oh and Gaara-is-my-dreamguy, thank you so much! I've never had someone like my story so much that that's the only reason they made a fanfic account! x3x3x3x3**

**Anyways, i LOVE you all. =D keep reading, i promise to make it gooood?**

*****I am SO sorry it's been like... forever since I've updated. Waaah. At least I have a reasonable excuse(s) though! Started school, gained my friends back (most of them...), other shit... and yeah, we' moved! So, I've been UBER packing and cleaning and maaaaaaaaah. I ish SO SORRY. I thought 'Hm, I should work on that story.' So, I did (I am). And of course, I'm sick. Woot.**

Deidara POV

_I'm so freaked out... _

_So fucking worried._

_Sasori got back yesterday._

_But I haven't been allowed to see him._

_He's unconscious.  
He's... unconscious._

_Why is he unconscious?_

"DEIDARA!" Hidan yelled, bashing his way through my door.

I didn't move, just sat there with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. My hair was a long, frizzy mess around me. It hadn't been combed in days. I kept my eyes glues to the floor and ran my fingernails over the same area of skin for the umpteenth time. Nervous habit, I guess.

"Woah, Deidara..." he commented, "You look terrible..."

He didn't sound as harsh as he usually did, or as loud. Some could even go as far as to say that he sounded worried. But I knew better.

"Get the fuck out of my room," I said hoarsely, not having used my voice for the last four days.

"Dei-"

"GET OUT!" I cried, throwing a notebook at him. Unfortunately, the damn thing fell open, exposing a picture I'd drawn of Sasori a while back. It even had a little heart by the side with a comment I'd made.

Hidan stared at this for a while, then sneered at me.

"Are you serious?" he asked, directed to no one in particular, "You-"

Suddenly, I was behind him, holding a kunai to his throat.

"I know you can't die," I threatened, "But if you keep talking I can put you in such excruciating pain that you'll wish you could."

He got very serious then, shrugging off the threat.

"I guess this really isn't a joking subject. A bit touchy, no?"

I just growled in reply.

"God fucking damn," he muttered, "No wonder you are such a mess."

"What're you talking about?" I hissed, picking up the notebook and closing it, "I'm fine."

"Deidara, you have showered in six days. You haven't left your room in three. You OBVIOUSLY aren't taking care of yourself, when normally you freak out if you see one little split end. And now it all makes sense."

"Shut up," I muttered, throwing the notebook in a pile with all the others.

"Hey, if you're so worried about Sasori, why didn't you just ask someone?"

"Leave," I ordered, but my voice wasn't threatening or bossy in the least. In fact, it pretty much sounded like "please tell me what happened to him".

"You know why he's knocked out?"

"Go away."

"Hehehe... It wasn't the enemy who knocked him out, smart one."

That got my attention.

"W-what do you mean?"

"It was Konan," he replied simply and smiled evilly as he walked out of my room, swinging the door swiftly shut.

I looked at the cigarettes she'd given me and sighed angrilly. Was this true...?

I took another cigarette from it and lit it, breathing in harshly. It was naseauting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~JESUS CHRIST, IT'S A LION, GET IN THE CAR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I waited until it was quiet to leave me room. As Hidan had pointed out earlier, I hadn't left for six days. It was probably about time I shower. But before I did that, I had other matters to attend to.

I found her outside on the deck, smoking. She looked over at me cautiously. She didn't look worried or upset in the least.

I sat next to her, waiting for her to say something. One of us had to start, and I wasn't going to be the one to do it.

"I'm guessing you heard about our mission."

"No," I replied, my voice still rusty from not being used, "I heard something from Hidan. But he's Hidan... so I didn't know whether to trust him or not."

She was quiet, her face hidden behind a think layer or smoke.

"It's true," she said, her voice sounding like an empty radio station, "I was the one who knocked Sasori unconscious."

I felt my nails dig into my skin, the same spot I'd been scratching the last few days. It was raw and bleeding, and the pain of my nails was just enough to stop me from exploding at her.

"Do you want to know the reason, or would you rather just assume something?" she asked, "Truthfully, I think it better for you if you just assume I did it for... whatever reason first comes into your head. I don't think you want to know the truth."

I was silent for a few minutes.

"I just..." I whispered, "I need to know."

She nodded, understandingly.

"He lost it," she replied, "He was screaming at Itachi, blaming Itachi. He was... out of control."

I looked down at my wrist, which I was subconsciously scratching the fuck out of again. It was bleeding and irritated.

"Maybe-" Konan started, but I cut her off.

"I'm going to shower."

It was a lie. I wanted to shower, I needed to shower, but I COUDLN'T shower. Not at the moment, when Sasori was lying in his room.

I rushed through the house, ignoring anyone I passed.

I stopped right outside of his door, nervously chewing on my lip. This wasn't going to be easy.

_Dammit, Deidara, you care about him! Who gives a fuck what you look like? GO IN THERE!_

I rushed through the door, throwing away all the worries that usually kept me from doing things. I felt scared, but I wasn't about to let that get in the way if Sasori was in trouble.

My eyes fell upon his body, which was half covered by the blanket. His eyes were closed and his hair was a mess. He was drenched in sweat and dried blood covered his head. He looked broken and scared. He NEVER looked either of those things.

I rushed over to his bedside and sat next to him, gripping tightly onto his hand.

As soon as I felt the hand grip back, my face flushed and I nearly pulled away. I was scared that he'd wake up and freak out on me. But somehow, unlike any time before, I stopped myself and just gripped his hand tighter.

"I'm so sorry," I said softly, softly running my fingers down his cheek, hoping not to wake him up. "Just... be okay."

I crawled into the bed and laid next to him, silent. He was breathing slowly, his eyes weren't even moving behind his eyelids. I wondered if he was dreaming.

Before I knew it, I was wiping silent tears from my face.

Even if he didn't like me, I couldn't leave.

**Alright, so I've gotten a few comments about Deidara, asking if he's anorexic or bulemic. He isn't bulemic because he's not MAKING himself puke. He's anorexic, resulting in so much pain that he throws up. And he also has ulcers, if you haven't noticed.... That would be why there is blood sometimes in his bile ^-^.**

**And guys, I am SO SORRY this took so long! I REALLY Am. I have to go to my grandma's to update now, so it'll be less often then when I first started. HOPEFULLy it won't be nearly as long as this time, though! =( PLease review and don't kill me! Oh, I'll try and make the next chapter longer and maybe funnier! xD**


	8. The Surrender

**THANKS FOR SO MANY COMMENTS LAST CHAPTER! =D I really AM sorry that last chapter took so long to put up, and that it was somewhat short. AND DEPRESSING. Guh. *Attempting to make this chapter HILARIOUS-ER***

**SPECIAL AN* So I know I keep changing this up on you, so I'm sorry. But I think I'm just going to make Sasori a human in this story. Any complaints, you can add that into your comments…. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it'll fit so much easier.**

**Special love to everyone who commented, favorite-d, alerted, etc. Especially loves to gaara-is-my-dreamguy. YOU'RE SO DAMN ENTHUSIASTIC AND LOVERLY! :D**

Sasori POV

_Please don't make me leave again._

_Let me stay with him._

_Let me take care of him._

_I thought I could but maybe…_

_Maybe I'm the one who needs taken care of._

"SASORI, GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED!" Hidan cried, kicking open my door for the umpteenth time.

I looked over at him, the light from the hallway severely burning my retina.

I didn't say anything, just glared at him. He waltzed right into my room, not hesitating in the least. I guess me being in bed for the last couple of days made him a bit more rebellious than usual.

"Well, come on," he said casually, "We've got work to do."

"_What_ are you-" I started, sitting up.

Before I had a chance to finish my question, he sat down on the bed next to me and shoved a bow into my face, giggling manically.

"What-"

"Calm down, Saso-kun," he replied, "I know you had a rough trip, BUT YOU GOTTA SNAP OUT OF IT!"

He reached over as if he was going to touch me and I snapped.

"WHAT IS THIS BOW FOR?" I screamed, throwing the frilly little plastic at him.

He stopped for a second before laughing hysterically. He fell off of the bed and rolled on the floor, covering his face with his hands. I was about ready to scream at him again when he answered me.

"Glad to see you're finally back to your normal, emo, loving self." He said calmly as he walked out the door, adding, right before he slammed it shut, "It's almost Christmas. We gotta decorate and celebrate."

I felt myself nearly deflate as he left.

Christmas already?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~intermissioooon~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas was the only holiday that was actually celebrated around here, and not because we were all pathetic, hypocritical Christians or anything(1). We only celebrate Christmas because Pein insists we do. He said it was something about bringing people together… and peace. Christmas was ANYTHING but peaceful here.

Because of this, I knew I wouldn't get away with hiding in my room all day. Not even Itachi or Deidara got away with staying out of the loop around Christmas. It was like Pein knew where everyone was, what they were doing, and what they weren't doing right. He was a control freak, times a hundred.

So not long after Hidan left, I did too. I got dressed in a black shirt and some sweats and walked out into the hall. Not having been in the light for a few days, it took a while for my eyes to fully adjust to it. After those few painful first moments, I made my way down the hall. As I walked, I realized how full my bladder felt. And how uncomfortable that made me.

_Please don't let anyone be in the bathroom... _

Unfortunately, my hoping didn't work. As I flung open the door, a naked, frail body was emerging from the shower.

Long, beautiful hair fell over his shoulders and down his back. He was dripping wet and a towel was loosely tied around his waist, revealing his back and arms for the first time.

I felt my mouth open slightly as I studied him closer. His waist line was extremely thin, as was his torso. His ribs were sticking out in places I'd never seen- not on a healthy person. His skin was almost a sickly pale color and dry, like it was stretched out from the bones poking out in unusual places.

He turned around swiftly, his face looking pained. When he saw who I was, he looked even more upset.

His stomach was pressed in, looking painfully thin. His ribs were even worse in the front; I could count them all.

"S- Sasori-" he choked and backed up, backing into the wall, "You're-"

I felt the realization rush through my head, each fact after another, quick as a train.

_He's sick._

_So sick, he's throwing up._

_Not just vomit, blood too._

_And passing out._

_And so skinny._

_He never eats around anyone._

_He's always hiding from us._

"Deidara…" I gasped, feeling the thoughts twirl around and around, connecting together.

_He always acts shy, or like he's uncomfortable._

"Sasori, uh…!"

_He makes a point not to look me in the eye. Like he's guilty._

_And bitter._

"Deidara…" I said again, clutching my fists tighter.

_This is why he's sick._

_I am why he's sick._

_This is all… all of it… it's my fault._

I took a few steps towards him, my hands feeling numb. His eyes widened as I shut the door and made my ways towards him.

"Look, Sasori, I- I can explain. I mean, uh, if you're angry… I mean…!"

I didn't say anything, but kept walking towards him and held an arm out.

He slid to the ground, his face heating up.

"Please, Sasori, I'm really- what I mean is… I understand if you're angry…!"

I stopped for a second, not understanding.

"I did this… I did this to myself, so… I know you must be angry at me…. I'm your partner, and I have a responsibility…. And it's my fault you got hurt, just because I can't accept myself and can't eat…! Just because I make myself sick, I got you hurt!"

I felt my eyes water up at the words; the surrender. He didn't even deny what he did to himself.

I kneeled to the ground next to him, somewhat painfully seeing as I hadn't emptied myself yet, and pulled him into me.

I could feel his body shaking, and I think he could feel mine. I pressed my face into his hair, holding him close. His arms stayed at his side, too shocked to move.

I could hear the sob escape his mouth as confusion struck him. I could feel the words leave mine as I dared to say them.

Finally.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered solemnly.

**NOT SAYING THAT ALL CHRISTIANS ARE HYPOCRITES. Just stating that the akatsuki are NOT. Especially not Hidan… xD**


	9. Secret Santa

**Forgive me. Please, please forgive me. Since we've moved, I've had virtually no access to internet OR computers…. We need a ******* computer. Guh. I cannot BELIEVE it has been so long. I hope no one forgot about me.**

**Or gave up on me.**

**Either way, I'm back now. Sort of… I had to write this at school. During class… ^-^;**

**Shh don't tell ma teacher.**

**Like she cares…**

**Comment, favorite, all those good things. Special thanks to anyone who is still following the story ^-^ Love you all. Need you support!**

**(I'm trying my hardest!)**

Deidara POV

_I don't understand you._

_Not one bit._

_I can't protect you._

_I can't help you. _

_I can't fight your battles for you._

_Isn't that what a 'boyfriend' is there for? _

_Isn't that what they do?_

_I can't do any of those things._

_I'm just weak._

_Like a girl._

There are so many things I want to say to him. There is so much I've always dreamed of telling him. There's so much I've wanted to hear him say, see him do.

I could have said all of those things last night, told him everything. I could have confessed how much I hated that I was hated, how weak I really was. I could have told him everything I've ever felt, every emotion I'd ever had tear me up.

But all I'd done was cry.

I cried on his shoulder, as if that explained everything. And he held me, and whispered sweet words to me, as if to say he understood what I meant. As if to say it did explain everything.

So we hadn't talked at all. Neither of us discussed anything that was possibly relevant to anything. We just sat there. Sat there until he realized he still had to pee and I still needed to get dressed.

It was a bad idea for me to go back to my room after that. I didn't leave my room at all yesterday, or last night. All I did was think, which never got me anywhere good. I tended to over-think situations until I'd broken down and interpreted every little thing that had happened. Like an intake of breathe, or a blink of an eye. Anything that could possibly indicate that last night was just a pity ceremony for me.

Though I wanted, needed, to believe otherwise, that's all that went through my head. I was just like a weak, fragile girl… and Sasori was just like an older brother, there when the girl has a break down. I was just a little sister figure.

And nothing more.

As the sun came up that morning and I evaluated the night before, once again, I realized I hadn't gotten any sleep.

This time not just because of hunger pains.

I was feeling extremely exhausted and knew I could probably fall asleep if I tried. But there was no way I could go to sleep, especially not once Hidan was sent to wake me up.

Three…

Two…

One…

"DEIDARA!" Hidan screamed, apparently refraining himself from kicking my door for once. "WAKE UP AND GET DRESSED SO NO ONE HAS TO LOOK AT YOUR NAKED ASS! Then again, that might not be so bad…. ANYWAYS! JUST GET THE HELL UP BEFORE LEADER YELLS AT ME AGAIN!"

I sat up reluctantly and reached over to my bedside table. There sat a notebook, cigarettes, a few hair ties, and a pencil. I pulled my hair up into a sloppy pony tail and brushed a few stray strands out of my eyes. I walked over to the closet and pulled on a black shirt and some sweat pants, not bothering to get all pretty for once.

What was the point?

There was a knock on my door as I had just pulled my pants up. Before I could answer, the door opened and in walked Sasori.

My heart stopped.

I tried to say something, to act casual. I tried to at least act like I used to; cold and sarcastic.

But I failed.

He looked pained as he walked over to me. I took a step back, wondering what I'd done this time.

"Deidara," he whispered, pulling me close, "Are you okay?"

I felt my face turn red at the feel of his body against mine. I tried to respond, but a million thoughts were running through my head.

_Sister figure._

"Dei…" Sasori said, concern crossing his face, "I…"

"Hey," Konan called from the doorway, ignoring that we were in the middle of something.

I silently thanked her as I asked, "Yeah?"

"You didn't help out at all yesterday… Pein will freak on you if you skip today. Even if you are… sick."

"Sorry… un. I'll be right out."

She smirked and stayed planted in the doorway. Sasori looked frustrated, but loosened his grip on me enough that I could maneuver my way out and over to the closet.

"I- I… Ready."

"Let's go," Konan said and turned to leave.

I followed.

Sasori stayed where he was, obviously pissed. He'd just have to deal for now.

I wasn't ready to talk anyway.

I went with Konan to the living room, where Itachi, Kisame, and Zetsu were all herded. Hidan seemed to be in the kitchen with Tobi, and Pein was nowhere to be found. Kakuzu, I assumed, was out.

Konan took charge, standing like a soldier in her actual clothes.

"I'm assigning spots. Hidan and Kisame will put up the tree. Itachi can help Tobi with decorating. Zetsu and Sasori will be cleaning. Pein took Kakuzu shopping. Deidara, you and I will cook."

My stomach turned over at the thought of food.

Everyone dispersed, grumbling and murmuring. No one wanted to do anything, and, from the looks of it, no one had yesterday.

"What are we cooking…?" I asked cautiously.

"Cookies, mostly. Maybe some chocolate pretzels or something."

"I… Okay, un."

She looked at me with a blank stare, but behind the blank I could see the disappointment.

But, what did I do?

I ignored it and followed her to the kitchen.

We prepared the cookie dough, but the whole time she never said anything.

It was like I was being given the silent treatment by an angry parent.

What did I do?!

I watched her put the cookies in the oven and heard muffled noises from the other room.

"Come on," she said, not looking at me, but moving toward the back door.

When I didn't respond she looked back, a questioning expression.

I replied with a similar expression and she sighed.

"Smoke break."

I followed quietly, reaching into the pocket of my sweatpants and grabbing the pack.

"You look like shit," she commented, lighting her cigarette.

"I-I… Know."

"It's not like you."

"I know."

"Even your hair…"

"Yeah, I know, okay?" I snapped, "I don't need you pointing out all my faults. I already do that enough."

I had gotten angry, like I was going to yell at her, then fell back into self-pity mode.

She was right. I was just a useless lump of disgusting.

"Damnit Deidara, why can't you just yell at me?"

"…Huh?"

She didn't sound angry or frustrated, but that was probably because her voice was completely incapable of sounding like anything.

"You were about to snap," she said calmly, "Then you stopped."

"Well… Yeah. But you were right, I look-"

"I don't _care_ what you look like, Deidara. It doesn't _matter_."

I looked at the ground, my eyes staying in one place.

"I… I know that… But I..."

"Deidara, can you even feel anger?" she asked.

"Well, yeah. I get mad at Kisame and Hidan and Tobi all the time…"

"Then, why aren't you angry with me?"

I looked at her, confused.

"I hurt Sasori. I know how much you care for him, Deidara. _I _hurt him. But you're not mad at me."

I thought about it for a moment.

"You had a good reason."

She smirked and got up, leaving me to finish my cigarette.

* * *

I made my way to the kitchen later that night. Pein had returned with Kakuzu and everyone was done with that which they had been assigned.

"Everyone, gather," Pein insisted.

Everyone met in the living, sitting here and there.

It was like an unofficial meeting.

"This year we are going to play Secret Santa. No, shut up Kakuzu. I'm adding rules to it though. The name you draw is important. You must at ALL times be polite and helpful towards this person. That means no yelling at them, fighting with them, or dirty looks. You must even take their side if they are arguing with another. You much buy them at least THREE things that is as a whole more than a forty dollars. We are NOT going to be cheap this year. Peace cannot be achieved by being cheap! It doesn't matter if your person knows you are their Secret Santa of not, they probably will since you'll have to be nice to them. The point is not to figure out who your Secret Santa is, but to make friends! This will be outstanding until January 1st."

Everyone knew better than to argue or complain. Pein was a control FREAK.

Konan came around with a hat that had names in it.

When she got to me, I shoved my hand in and unfolded the piece of paper.

_Hidan._


	10. Fillers Don't we love em?

**So, I feel weird. I have a "chat" buddy who started talking to me over fanfic a while ago for our similar interests. But… Okay, so I thought she'd already read this story so I told her I updated. Then she said she just read the first chapter and didn't read the rest cuz she didn't like it. I'm… Blah. I mean she doesn't have to like it, everyone had their own interests. But god. She practically made me read all her stories and comment on them. Whatever, not that bad, except when people suck at writing. I may not be perfect, and I know I've made a LOT of spelling mistakes since I use wordpad cuz my grandmas computer didn't have office and it had to wordcheck. So yeah I made silly mistakes, like instead of had I wrote has, or instead of or I wrote of. Silly little things that I just didn't take the time to check over. But when someone writes where I can't even understand what they're explaining because their grammar is quite terrible, I can't read the story. There are plenty that seem like they'd be awesome stories but I just can't read stories with too many too big grammatical errors. It messes with my mind. So I guess I just feel weird because I couldn't get into her story and told her I liked it anyway, because I don't like to piss people off. I just hate it when people expect you to compliment them all the time and if you don't, get mad, then don't even consider acting that way to you.**

**Anyway, sorry! Now that I got that outta the way, we can go back to mai story ^o^ Sorry for all that rambling!**

Sasori POV

_I understand he's hurting._

_I don't know why I can't stop it._

_I want to help him, make him better._

_I don't know how._

_I know he's scared and insecure._

_I want to show him neither of those things are relevant._

_I want to protect him._

_Forever._

I couldn't believe it.

Of all the people in Akastsuki! It had to be him? I get along with him even worse than Deidara does, and they fight like no other.

I looked up at Konan hopefully, silently praying that she'd let me change.

She ignored me and moved on.

I glanced around the room, studying everyone.

Deidara looked emotionless with a hint of annoyance, Itachi wasn't completely there, Hidan was pissed, as usual, and Zetsu, Tobi and Kakuzu seemed fine, except Kakuzu was grumbling about money. My eyes slowly traveled over to Kisame.

He was leaning on the wall, his arms crossed and his eyes still. He was breathing steadily and his chest was rising and falling evenly. He looked secure and composed. He was shirtless, which wasn't that unusual, but he was only in shorts and Samehada wasn't within his reach.

I studied the battle scars all over his arms and torso. There were a surprising amount. He should have healed most of those, especially with the amount of chakra he holds.

"Sasori. Should I come back later or can you be done staring at Kisame long enough to listen?" Pein barked.

All heads turned my way, seeing as the comments like that were never directed at me.

"_What?_" I snapped, my face growing dark, "What could I _possibly _do for you at this point in time?"

Pein looked a little surprised at my outburst, but nothing compared to everyone else.

Everyone looked stunned. Pein just seemed aloof.

"I have a mission for you and Deidara."

I felt the color drain from my face.

Alone? With Deidara?

I smiled weakly, trying to hide it, as I raised to my feet, stuffing the piece of paper into my pocket.

* * *

"You have been assigned to go to Sunagakure. You may have failed last time at trying to get the jinchuriki, but I'd like for you to try again. Please capture him and meet us at Snake Eye Hideout within five days. You can do that, yeah?"

"Of course, Leader-sama," I replied, glancing between Deidara and Pein.

Pein looked at Deidara, waiting for a response.

"Yes…"

"Good, you will be leaving in the morning. Go. Get prepared. I'd hate to see you fail again."

We'd tried to capture the Kazekage once before. But we failed so terribly that no one even noticed we'd tried to capture him. Not even he noticed. So, of course, this time there was no room for mistakes. Whatsoever.

I followed Deidara out the door. He was shaking, but I couldn't tell if it was because he hadn't eaten in… weeks… or if he was nervous.

Maybe it was both.

I saw him try to slink away and grabbed his hand. He was tense and a little sweaty.

"Deidara," I said, my voice cracking.

"We should get ready for the mission," he mumbled.

I pulled his arm and dragged him with me.

"Sasori-" he started, his voice sounding tight and distressed.

I ignored him and kept pulling him with me.

What a sorry ninja…. He's so small and frail he can't even fight back. He wouldn't even be able to hurt someone with a punch.

I pushed open the door to the kitchen and shoved him into a chair. He squirmed in the chair, but didn't get up.

I rummaged through some things and found some rice and chicken in the fridge. I threw it in the microwave and watched Deidara fidget.

"Sasori, I'm not-"

"Shut up, Dei."

He shut up and I grabbed a fork and handed him the food, grabbed a chair and sat next to him.

"Sasori…" he whispered, looking frightened, "I can't…"

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He gasped slightly, but squeezed back.

"You have to eat," I growled, pushing the food closer to him.

"I-"

"Even if it's only a little. Deidara, you're going to _die_. You haven't eaten in over a week."

"I know… I didn't mean…"

"Fucking eat it!" I cried, my hand practically crushing his.

He flinched and his other hand immediately flew to the fork.

He was shaking still and his skin was dry. He was wearing a shirt that was too big for him, and pants that were just barely not falling off him. He was hunched over like he was in pain, his hair not even combed or in a pony tail. His eyes had dark circles under them and looked irritated. He looked sick.

He shoved a mouthful of chicken and rice into his mouth, chewing, and swallowing. He repeated this a few times before stopping.

"Don't stop now, Dei," I encouraged, "At least a few more bites."

He nodded solemnly and shoved as much as he could into his mouth. I felt a little awkward watching him eat, but I knew I had to.

"If I… eat anymore, I'll just throw it back up…."

I nodded and took the food, throwing it in the trash.

I watched him get up.

"We'd better g-get ready," he said, avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah," I agreed.

I sighed in exhaustion as I watched him go.

**Not the best of **_**longest **_**chapter…. Somewhat of a filler I guess. **

**But hey, what will happen on the mission? Will they be back for xmas? Who got who's names?!?!**

**Press that green button and I just might tell ya ^o^**


	11. You Have A New Mission

**I promised to dedicate this next chapter to my friend's friend, who is sick like Deidara. Katriina, my best wishes to you and I truly hope you get better.**

**Oh, so my goal in life is to be a manga artist. And author, of course, but I want to work really hard to be a manga artist. I'm thinking of incorporating pretty much a story like this, but not ninjas and all that (because that would be copywriting and I can't be sued . I'm already broke)**

**What is your opinion? Would YOU buy a manga like that? **

Deidara POV

Sasori and I were both ready to leave when Konan approached us.

"Mission has been suspended," she said, "Pein wants all of the members here until after Christmas. He _did _tell me to tell you guys your replacement mission."

Sasori was practically shaking in frustration.

He always got so worked up about these things. For once, I just let my emotions float away. I wasn't sure what I was feeling right now.

Numb?

"What is it?" he asked Konan rudely.

I was feeling a little lightheaded, but hardly noticed. I looked blankly at Konan, who's once vibrant blue hair seemed a dull grey color.

_Shit, I'm gonna pass out._

"I need to- bathroom-" I managed to force out of my mouth.

My whole body was feeling numb. I was lucky I could even move, much less talk or breathe or _think._

_Please let no one be in the bathroom, _I prayed.

I heard Sasori's voice somewhere in the distance, but just waved my hand, hoping he'd take that as "leave me alone". Konan's voice was meshing together with Sasori's, it all sounded like I was whirling downwards in a tornado.

I was definitely going to pass out.

Hadn't I just eaten?

I felt the food bubble in my stomach, and looked down to see if it was eating through my skin.

It wasn't, as far as I could tell, but it sure felt like it was.

There were spots in my vision now, like holes taken out of my eyes. I could see a few things here, then some white, then a few things there, and white. I blinked and wasn't sure if I had fallen or if I was still standing.

I couldn't feel anything. I opened my eyes, but couldn't see anything anymore. I couldn't talk. It was like my tongue was tied in a knot. I managed to mumble a few things, but even I didn't know what they meant. I heard my heart speed up. I was panicking, and didn't know where I was.

It felt like I was floating into nothingness.

A sudden calmness washed over me as I realized how nice this was. If only I could _always _feel this way.

But as I thought of that, I also wondered _why _it felt so amazing.

_You're dying, _a small voice offered.

Dying.

I was _dying._

That just means it'll all be over soon. All my suffering, all my hate. No one will have to deal with me anymore. I won't have to put up with their disgust.

Or Itachi's psychotic episodes.

Or Hidan's anger problems.

Or Tobi's annoying happiness.

Or… Konan, or Kisame, or….

Sasori?

No more Sasori.

I felt my body all convulse forwards, and my sight, though blurry and dull, came back for a moment. I was shaking and forced myself over onto my hands and knees as the bubbly acidic chime spurted out of my mouth and down my face, down my chest, down my arms, onto the floor.

"SASORI!" I cried, finally able to manage a coherent word.

And then, it was black again.

It was black. But what was I supposed to expect? If I _did _die, did I really expect it to be sunny and bright?

I kind of hoped not.

It was black, but it felt nice. It felt warm, almost hot, and relaxing. It sounded like running water, but not the kind in a river or waterfall. It kind of sounded like the water was pulsing against metal, and being forced against its will.

_I wish Sasori was here with me._

I felt that want wash over me so suddenly. I didn't want to be dead anymore!

I wanted Sasori!

"I'm right here, baka," he said sternly.

He sounded angry, but not towards me.

More like, towards the world.

My eyes flashed open and I saw Sasori kneeling over me, scrubbing my chest with a washrag. I was in the bathtub, surrounded by water, the shower head spewing water down on us both. The shower curtain was open and water was getting out onto the floor. Sasori was completely dressed (and soaked) while I…

"I didn't say that out loud," I muttered, embarrassed.

I saw a grin being forced across his face. It was full of regret and pain.

I was scared to ask.

Kisame walked in and set a towel on the counter, ignoring the two of us. We made eye contact briefly, and his face was also covered in complete horror.

"D-Did I die or something?" I finally choked, adding some dry humor as well, "You guys look like you're looking at a g-ghost."

I knew that it wasn't a pretty sight; me naked, I mean. It was probably really disgusting. I'd known for a long time that I was waaaay past unhealthy skinny. Yes, my disorder had started because I felt insecure about my weight, but more because I hated eating in front of others. I hated how others thought I was disgusting and I hated being disgusting. Even once I got past the unhealthy point on the scale, I couldn't force myself to eat. Even though I KNEW I could die, or that I was even more disgusting this way.

"Deidara…" Sasori started, and Kisame hurried out.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound bored, or healthy, or _anything _besides sick. But I just sounded weak and scared, and my voice shaked.

"You had a seizure, Deidara," he said solemnly. His hands were shaking now and he seemed really uptight.

I was shocked. A seizure.

"What?" I whispered.

I didn't know much about seizures. I'd never had one, and never studied about them. But I knew they were bad.

"I- When was the last time you drank any liquids?" he asked crossly.

Was I in _trouble_?

Then again, when _did_ I last drink something?

"I… don't know," I answered honestly.

He sighed in frustration.

"What?" I asked again, my voice cracking.

"I'm sorry Deidara," he said, his voice as shaky as mine. Suddenly he was in the bathtub with me, pulling me into his arms.

We were both completely soaked now, and the water was getting colder. Sasori was in between my legs, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. You'd think he'd be crushing me, but it was actually really comfortable. I was tense for a moment, then laid my head on his shoulder and slowly wrapped my legs around him.

"It was my fault," he said, choking on his words, "You were already extremely dehydrated, from not drinking- _baka_. But, feeding you that food absorbed what little fluids you did have left in you and… well... You started to seize from dehydration."

I didn't know how to respond.

"That's not your fault," I whispered and pressed my body closer to his.

He was silent. He didn't argue or disagree, but I knew he didn't think I was right.

_I'm so childish._

He was so close to me.

I felt my face blush up. When would I grow up, get over my stupid worries, and just… tell him?

The door opened and in walked Hidan, looking all pissed. He glanced over at me and stopped in his tracks.

"I guess all those jokes I made about you being sexy were wrong, huh?" he said casually. I wasn't sure if he was trying to apologize or torture me.

I felt Sasori's grip around me tighten.

"Brought you some water, baka," Hidan said, setting the glass of water down, "Even though there's plenty right there…"

"Get-" I started then remembered the Secret Santa thing.

This was going to be hard.

"_Please leave,_" I said darkly. As rudely as I could.

He looked at me strange then laughed.

"Sure thing, sexy," he growled sexually, then slipped away. Sure enough, he didn't close the door.

Sasori got up awkwardly, grabbing the water and handing it to me. I downed it, my body- still shaking and pale- needing the fluid.

The floor was drenched. Sasori's clothes were dripping as he stood, staring at me. The tub was only half full anymore. The bathroom seemed a lot smaller and emptier than it used to. I could feel my face heat up at the realization that I was still naked. In front of Sasori.

"Sasori, Deidara," Konan's voice wavered in, "You still have a mission to do."

"Can you NOT see that he is SICK?" Sasori snapped, his face dark.

"This is a direct order from _Pein_, asshole," Konan snapped back.

That was one of the only times I'd ever seen her get actually angry with anyone.

Sasori glared at her some more, but kept quiet.

"Get ready," she ordered and left.

END

**Sorry I changed my ending. I put up the wrong one. And I had to edit out all that shit. Hehe. Please forget you read that if you did. It was just a convo between my boyfriend and I and I was not in a good mood that day. All better now. WHee. REVIEW?**


	12. Itachi

**Thank you for all the reviews and favorites! :3 I got new computer WOOT. Haha. Now Hopefully there won't be as many spelling errors. **

**Okay. I'd been thinking about this for a while. I'm doing it. Break from the story and little intervention to introduce Itachi. Haha THIS version of Itachi anyways. He may seem funny as fuck, but you'll get to see underneath his skin a little. Get to see in his head. Love you all!**

**Itachi POV**

_Even if you were to forgive me… there's no way I could forgive myself. _

_Ever._

My eyes opened at the sound of my door opening. As I sat up, I grabbed a kunai and threw it manically at whoever dared enter my room.

I saw it was Kisame and my anger dimmed a little. He was here.

"You're back," I sobbed and threw myself at him.

He caught me, and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

It made me throb with sorrow, knowing that I used to hold little Sasuke this way when he got upset.

Now, I couldn't do that anymore.

"I wasn't gone very long," Kisame said, "Deidara was having… issues."

"W-what do you mean?" I asked. As much as it killed me to even consider caring about someone other than Sasuke, I knew that Kisame cared about him and I wanted to be a part of that. Even if he did take my Kisame away from me.

Kisame almost glared at me.

"He had a seizure."

I was surprised, but Kisame could tell sympathy wasn't striking me. It never did anymore. I had wasted it all on myself and Sasuke. Even if Kisame, my lover, got hurt, I don't know what I'd feel.

"How are you?" he asked casually.

He loved me. I wish I could express that back towards him. Even if only a little.

I looked at him and said, "I want to die."

"You can't die," he replied, picking up my kunai and studying it.

"Yeah." I said.

He didn't know about my plan. He never would, though. Even once it happened, I felt he wouldn't see it as a planned incident.

"I want Sasuke," I cried and laid my head on his lap.

"Explain to him your situation then."

Kisame was so blunt about it all.

No, he could never know.

"It's not healthy to leave him to grow up with so much hatred. Look where's he's ended."

"You mean Orochimaru?" I asked.

He nodded.

"He'll find a way out of that," I said with confidence.

He was my little brother, after all.

"Itachi…" he said.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, "I wish I could go back and say no. You have no idea. I want to show him… But I…"

"Shh," he soothed, "Just stop. I know you're sorry. That's all that matters."

"But Sasuke," I argued, and knew right away it hurt him.

He _should _be all that matters.

But the screaming started again. I was hurting him, like I'd hurt Sasuke. I could do no right. I was just one body full of hurt that I lash onto others. There was no way to repent now.

I felt the screams escape my throat, the violent trashing starting. I hated this. It was a daily routine, practically.

After a while, Kisame managed to calm me down. We cuddled and I felt the unbearable become bearable as his warmth spread through me. It was always after one of my fits that I felt so comforted by his touch, his love.

"Itachi, I love you."

I wanted to tell him I loved him. But how was I supposed to love when I hurt this much?


	13. Shopping

Sasori POV

_I can't believe Pein is making us go on a mission when Deidara just had a seizure._

_Does he lack that much humanity?_

_Is he just an empty shell?_

_And Deidara..._

_It was all my fault. _

_I should've realized._

_I should've known._

_How could I be so stupid?_

After Konan left the bathroom and Deidara went to his room to get dressed, I cleaned up the mess I had made in the bathroom. It took five towels just to get the floor slightly dry. I realized there wasn't much else I could do except let the floor air dry now.

I headed to my room to get prepared, but was stopped.

It was Pein.

_Pein rarely ever leaves his room, except to call a meeting..._

"Sasori, there you are. I went to your room first but you weren't there." He said.

"No, I was trying to clean up the mess I made after Deidara nearly _died_," I growled.

"Yes, well..." his face showed some sort of emotion, but I couldn't discern what. "I assume Konan has filled you in on your replacement mission?"

"No."

My voice was flat and I could tell that he sensed my anger.

"It's nothing big, Sasori, so stop glaring at me." He was back to normal now. "You and Deidara are going to go shopping."

"Shopping?" I asked, a bit surprised.

"Yes, _shopping_." He repeated. "We need to restock the kitchen. We also need lightbulbs, batteries, bathroom supplies and... Ah, yes, wrapping paper."

"Fine." I said flatly and pushed past him. I was less angry with him now, but I wasn't going to thank him.

After dressing myself, I made my way to Deidara's room, which was three doors down from mine. I knocked on the door and waited a few moments before I got a reply.

"Come in," Deidara's voice didn't sound as weak as it had before, but it still sounded exhausted.

I opened the door to find Deidara lying on his bed, the towel still wrapped around his waist and his hair covering most of his face.

"You aren't even dressed?" I asked.

"Sorry that I _inconveniently _just had a seizure," he replied harshly. Then he looked at me, and his voice was a bit softer as he said, "Sorry. Just... really tired."

"Maybe you should take a nap," I suggested.

"We have a mission to do."

I laughed a little, which caused him to look at me with a confused expression.

"I was informed that our mission is to go shopping. I'm sure that can wait a couple of hours. It's not even light out yet."

Deidara rested his head back on the pillow again and said, "I doubt I can sleep anyway."

I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. I could see on his face that he was feeling awkward.

"Then we can just lay here and rest."

He moved over as I laid down, not waiting for him to reply. I grabbed the blanket and covered us both.

"Did you want to put some clothes on, or stay in the towel?" I asked, realizing it probably wouldn't be that comfortable to sleep in a wet towel.

He paused for a moment, then shrugged and said, "I'm fine."

As I got closer to him, his face grew very red. I could tell he was thinking something, and that he was conflicted about something.

_I want to help him,_ I thought. Pain pulsed through my body.

"What's wrong?" I asked finally.

"Nothing, un," he replied. I wasn't convinced, but I wasn't going to push the subject.

I pushed his hair out of his eyes before grasping his hand once again. He tensed up at first, but after a few minutes he seemed to relax. I stared at him, watching him slowly fade into unconsciousness. His breathing slowed, his eyelids drooped, and his mouth parted open slightly. Just before his eyes closed completely, I leaned closer and whispered in his ear.

"You are beautiful."

_What was that? Why is it so bright? Wh... where am I?_

I opened my eyes and realized I had also nodded off. My arms were now wrapped around Deidara and his head rested on my shoulder. I giggled quietly when I noticed that he had drool running down his chin again.

I laid there for a few minutes, letting my eyes adjust to the light. It was at least midday by now. Pein would soon get irritated if we didn't get out of the headquarters soon.

"Deidara," I whispered in his ear, "It's time to wake up."

He moaned and moved a little, but his eyes stayed closed.

"Deidara," I said again.

"Nnnn, huh?" he replied, barely cracking his eyes open. "What's... eh?"

"We need to go shopping, remember?" I said softly.

He groaned, pressed his head closer into my chest for a moment. Then his eyes shot open and he pulled away from me slightly.

He looked startled, confused and a bit flustered.

"I... I slept." He said finally.

"Yeah, for a couple hours, at least."

Deidara sat up, stretching. He threw the blanket off of him and crawled out of the bed. It wasn't until he was walking towards the closet that he realized the towel had fallen off of him.

I could tell he was uncomfortable, as his face once again became cherry red. He quickly grabbed the towel up and tried to cover himself.

It still hurt to look at his torso, to see the ribs protruding... To know that I was so oblivious for so long. How could I not have realized?

I grimaced and looked away, knowing he probably didn't want me staring at him while he dressed himself.

I got out of the bed and headed towards the door.

"I'm gonna go eat something," I said, rubbing my stomach. I saw the look of disappointment on his face. Did what I say upset him?

"I'm going to make you something, too, so come meet me in the kitchen when you're done."

He opened his mouth as if to protest, but closed it again. He nodded solemnly.

When I got to the kitchen, I looked through the fridge to try and find something to eat. Pein was right, we really did need to go shopping.

I found some yogurt on the bottom shelf and grabbed two. It wasn't much, but I assumed it would be the easiest thing for Deidara to eat right now.

Deidara walked in about ten minutes later. He was dressed in a black shirt and baggy jeans, his hair was pulled back neatly into a pony tail, and he had a sweatshirt over his shoulder.

I smiled at the fact that he had the will to make himself look presentable once again.

"Here," I said as I handed the yogurt and a spoon to him. I had already poured him a glass of milk. "This should be easier for you to eat."

I could see the hesitance in his eyes. He slowly peeled the top off of the yogurt and stirred it around with the spoon.

I stared at him, just waiting.

"Sasori... I can't..." He muttered.

I walked over to him, put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Please, Deidara."

He swallowed, grimaced and quickly shoved a couple of spoonful's of yogurt into his mouth. I could see how hard it was for him to force the yogurt down his throat. I suppose the fact that eating yesterday had caused him to have a seizure didn't make it much easier to eat now.

It took him about fifteen minutes to finish the yogurt. I stood with him the whole time, giving him encouraging looks every time he glanced at me.

When he finished it, I wrapped my arms around him tightly before he even had a chance to put down the container.

"Thank you," I whispered.

Tobi then walked into the room, completely dressed in his Akatsuki cloak. He rarely ever took it off.

"Sasori-sama, can you make me-"

"No," I cut him off; my voice was stern and sharp. He didn't argue, just stayed silent.

As Deidara and I were walking out the door, we passed Konan. I forced myself not to look at her because I knew if I did, I would glare at her and cause trouble. Deidara nodded at her though, and she smirked back.

"Are you guys friends now?" I asked once we were outside.

"Well... Yeah, I guess so," he replied, pulling the cigarette box from his pocket. He frowned when he saw he only had one left.

"You know, smoking is bad for you."

"I suppose it's a lot better than some of the other things I could be doing right now," he snapped.

I looked away, hurt by his comment. He was right, but I didn't expect him to snap at me.

"I... Sorry." He said quietly.

After a long silence, I finally broke it.

"Do you want to go shopping for our secret santa's before we get groceries?" I asked.

"I guess..." he muttered.

When we got to the store, Deidara told me he had to use the restroom. I went with him, just to make sure he wasn't going to make himself throw up. I didn't know if he had ever done that before, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

"I'm guessing Hidan is your secret santa, from the way you asked him to leave the bathroom yesterday," I said, a little amused.

He just grunted, then asked, "Who's yours?"

"Kisame." I said, the sound of disgust lingering on my tongue.

"That's not so bad."

I looked at him, taken aback.

"I'd rather have Hidan than him." I announced.

Deidara just stayed silent, but I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me.

"So... what are you going to get Hidan?" I asked.

"I haven't really thought about it..."

I thought for a moment. "You know, his room is completely bare- except for his shrine. Maybe you could get him some kind of furniture or something."

"Yeah, but how am I supposed to get that back to the head- uh, home," he corrected himself. We had to refer to the headquarters as home when we were out in public. We had to act as inconspicuous as possible; even act like we're not ninjas.

I nodded, realizing the problem there.

"What are you going to get Kisame?" He asked.

I grimaced before asking, "What do you think I should get him?"

"How would I know?" he said. "Maybe... I don't know. Maybe we should come back another day when we actually know when we're going to get them."

"We only have a few days left, but yeah. I guess." I replied, giving up. Neither of us had any ideas. "Now, time to shop for groceries!"

I smiled sarcastically. Deidara just stayed quiet.


End file.
